Don’t take that title literally. I am not actually writing about literally cleaning anything. What I need is a mental cleanup. There is too much up there, ideas and thoughts everywhere. I can’t get anything done without having to “step” over another idea.
“Dang I have been coming up some really good figurative language lately.” I think to myself. I had OGT test this week and on my writing test Wednesday made some really good analogies about my running shoes. I really wish I could get my whole story back! I was hoping for some better prompts like biggest struggle in you life or something like that because I could bang out 10 pages on that anyday!
Before you read, this post could be triggering if you have had a past of ED problems. Proceed with caution..
That struggle is what has been stuck in my head the most. The big bad ED monster won’t stop crawling back. Don’t worry, I’m not eating any less than the past few months! I feel like I have no control and I couldn’t go back to my old ways if I wanted to!
The real problem is that I can’t stop thinking about the past. About the year and half I lost, a time that could have been great but was a year of hell. In that time I did such stupid things, day in and day out. Everywhere I go in my daily life ghosts haunt me there. The memories faded for a while but now is the one year “anniversary” of when I was at my worst. I remember this OGT week specifically because I got to go to school 2 hours late. I remember running before school, trying to make a sweet potato protein bar but failing because I didn’t want to use the amount of flour called for, having tennis after school and packing just an extra half of a sandwich to fuel 1 and half hours of tennis. That is probably the biggest reason I can’t go back to tennis. The memories of my secretive eating in the stall before practice so nobody saw me take off the crusts. The memories of dissecting hamburgers before matches to just eat the meat. It’s all too much to go back to.
Another aspect of the problem is people. I know for a fact that last year I was shy, mean, weird and the list goes on. Some people still have that perception of me. I am embarrassed to think of what I looked like and that everybody had to see me like that. That I thought I looked good and would try to “talk” to girls but never make anything happen because all I had time to think about or do was food. I didn’t have the energy to have real relationships.
I found my phone from the first half of my freshman year and looked at my pictures and texts left over from then and really couldn’t even take it in. The pictures, I remember taking and thinking I looked good. I hate what I looked like. I deleted those pictures but I can never delete pictures out of other people’s minds. I can’t delete other people’s pictures. I can’t destroy pictures of that time laying around in my house or in boxes.
My study hall ended there ^ and my train of thought is gone completely. I think the post was getting long enough anyway! I will probably continue this post someday with a part two so stay tuned! I will get my race recap done for Monday! It’s a good story!
Also last night was taco night! It’s a tradition at the girls house and it was really fun! I spent about 5 hours there hanging out with her, some friends, and a famous person! (; Here is a collage one of the girls made from the night!
I also got the first conscious box from winning Kristi‘s giveaway! I won a 3 month subscription to Conscious Box. Conscious Box helps you discover the purest, healthiest natural products in the world from the most ethical companies! From natural beauty to health food and non-toxic home goods, you’ll find better alternatives for all areas of your life. Open up your world today with Conscious Box! Subscribe today!